Saturday, February 17, 2007

How to beat the Highway Patrol driving Across the USA By Farley Malorrus

How to beat The Highway Patrol when Speeding across America...

(I was just KIDDING, I was only KEEDING!)

By Farley Malorrus (Who me? I don't drive! Much...)

1. Find some speeding guy and follow him about a mile behind him, hoping the police will be in front and not sneak up behind you, which they usually do, Whoops!

2. Get a Radar detector from Radio Shack and hope you can figure out all the beeps, tweeks, tweeps, jeeks, and bells.

3. Attach the Radar detector to your forehead, as it won't stick to the window for long, bang boom, drop..

4. Have a sticker of the Highway Patrol, Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force, or all of the above on your back window and say "Semper Fidelis," when the officer walks up to you window.

5. Tell the officer you have irritable Bowel syndrome and you are trying to find a toilet, and that you may explode at any moment, that you usually makes them run.

6. Try to stay 5 to 10 miles over the speed limit as they don't usually ticket you unless you are in Texas.

7. When in the Southern States, speak with a Southern Accent, and talk about them grits you had for breakfast, how they were the best dang grits you ever et.

8. When in the Western States, be as kind, courteous, and agreeable as possible, except in California, in which case you are dead, ticketed.

9. Find out if he voted for Bush, and praise the President and the War.

10. Tell him you respect his job and what he does and that your foot got caught on the gas pedal, that you are deeply sorry about it, and that you promise to never ever use super glue on the pedal again.

11. Only try to outrun him if you love Nascar, have a V8, or turbo, use Jet fuel and you are slightly retarded, and have brain damage.

12. Throw yourself on the mercy of the court, and try crying if you are a good actor, (That may get you 2 tickets if he thinks you are some kind of nerd wimp ball.

13. Use 2 radar detectors in case the first one sucks, and pray you lower your speed before he detects you.

14. Throw the car over the nearest cliff and jump out just before it goes, just like James Dean.

15. Pay the stupid ticket and thank the COp very much.

More adventures with Farley Malorrus in his vision quest across America..currently in Albuquerque, New Mexico...

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Go FOR IT!
Love & Light

FM

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You have made me laugh :>)  Thanks my friend it is much needed! Now how about these for excuses to the federalis?

1. But Officer someone lit a fire under my ass
2. I was keeping up with that bat out of hell
3. You mean this vehicle is equipped with Cruise Control?
4. I was following an Elk who thought he was running with the Bulls in Spain