Saturday, February 17, 2007

Further Tips on Traveling through America By Farley Malorrus

Travel BY Car, Truck, or RV through America, By Farley Malorrus

(Hey I'm in Oklahoma, and they were right, Oklahoma is OKAY!) LOL

1. While traveling through Arizona the speed limit is 75, don't go 1 mile over or ticket.

2. In South Texas, the speed limit is 90mph in some parts, if you go 1 mile per hour over you may end up in jail for a week!

3. There are Highway Patrol all over the place in Northern Arizona looking for idiots who think they can go over 75, trust me, they get them all.

4. The Highway Patrol in New Mexico is on "Siesta," and I didn't see a one in 360 miles.

5. When traveling through Texas, take the "Panhandle" at the top of the state, that way it's only about 176 miles and a slam dunk!

6. When traveling through Oklahoma, take the Panhandle in the upper left corner as it's only 40 or 50 miles, another slam dunk.

7. You don't want to mess with Oklahoma or Texas Highway Patrol as they are like the gestapo.

8. Suggestions if you get sleepy while driving:
a. Stick your head out the window at 75.

b. Stick your butt out the window at 75.

c. Eat Sunflower seeds, for some reason they keep you awake, and I don't know why?

d. Try no doze, but it doesn't work.

e. Coffee, star bucks, coke, and diet coke get old and soon the caffeine not only has no effect, but you crash from warned.

f. 2000mg 6 year old Ginseng Extract times 2 bottles every 3 hours may pump you up.

g. Eat a sandwich while driving, chips, or popcorn, for some reason, eating keeps you awake.

h. If you get sleepy, and you start to doze off and lose control, for pity sake, PULL OVER AND GO TO SLEEP even on the shoulder.

i. Slap yourself in the face a few times, but try not to make a mark.

j. Play loud music.

k. Listen to ridiculous talk show hosts on radio 'nowhere.'

l. Listen to My Audio files!!! Great idea to keep you pumped the whole trip, and you can put them on your IPOD I believe or Mpeg player, Donation please? I think I need to crawl on my hands and knees and beg some of these folks for a donation. Can you imagine? Tons of folks listening the shows, but not to many paying customers. It's ok, I understand. Karma goes around.

m. Vent your negative emotions, Laugh, cry, scream.

n. Do aerobics while you drive, work it out.

o. Do pull ups with the steering wheel. Careful not to wear yourself out or pull a muscle.

p. Sing like you are Liberace.

q. Count bottles of beer on the wall.

r. Pretend everyone driving next to you is an Alien and check them out. Try not to get busted doing this, as folks may think you are weird.

s. Take your Vitamins! Take your B Vitamins. Keep a B12 dot handy, and for under the tongue.

t. Use Emergen C in some water (2 packets) if you have any.

w. Count your Blessings.

x. Pray to God/Jesus, or whomever you believe in.

y. Don't do anything stupid as in hitting a retarded Elk.

z. There is no rush, so pull over, get a hotel room and go to bed!

That's the Latest!

Farley Malorrus,

310-415-9222, for Astrology Readings.

Please go to the website and listen to ME ON THE RADIO doing tons of topics. Hope you love it.

How to beat the Highway Patrol driving Across the USA By Farley Malorrus

How to beat The Highway Patrol when Speeding across America...

(I was just KIDDING, I was only KEEDING!)

By Farley Malorrus (Who me? I don't drive! Much...)

1. Find some speeding guy and follow him about a mile behind him, hoping the police will be in front and not sneak up behind you, which they usually do, Whoops!

2. Get a Radar detector from Radio Shack and hope you can figure out all the beeps, tweeks, tweeps, jeeks, and bells.

3. Attach the Radar detector to your forehead, as it won't stick to the window for long, bang boom, drop..

4. Have a sticker of the Highway Patrol, Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force, or all of the above on your back window and say "Semper Fidelis," when the officer walks up to you window.

5. Tell the officer you have irritable Bowel syndrome and you are trying to find a toilet, and that you may explode at any moment, that you usually makes them run.

6. Try to stay 5 to 10 miles over the speed limit as they don't usually ticket you unless you are in Texas.

7. When in the Southern States, speak with a Southern Accent, and talk about them grits you had for breakfast, how they were the best dang grits you ever et.

8. When in the Western States, be as kind, courteous, and agreeable as possible, except in California, in which case you are dead, ticketed.

9. Find out if he voted for Bush, and praise the President and the War.

10. Tell him you respect his job and what he does and that your foot got caught on the gas pedal, that you are deeply sorry about it, and that you promise to never ever use super glue on the pedal again.

11. Only try to outrun him if you love Nascar, have a V8, or turbo, use Jet fuel and you are slightly retarded, and have brain damage.

12. Throw yourself on the mercy of the court, and try crying if you are a good actor, (That may get you 2 tickets if he thinks you are some kind of nerd wimp ball.

13. Use 2 radar detectors in case the first one sucks, and pray you lower your speed before he detects you.

14. Throw the car over the nearest cliff and jump out just before it goes, just like James Dean.

15. Pay the stupid ticket and thank the COp very much.

More adventures with Farley Malorrus in his vision quest across America..currently in Albuquerque, New Mexico...

Don't forget my AUDIO TOPICS, LISTEN TO ME ON THE RADIO ON THE Internet. DONATE ONLY IF YOU HAVE A HEART, IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A HEART (HE has no heart!When commenting about Spock in Star Trek), then don't make a donation..


Love & Light